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Eu x Cocaína – a luta que nunca acaba-.

Passado cinco meses internada em uma clínica de reabilitação por ser uma pessoa completamente dependente de uma substância ilícita ( cocaína ),  estou de volta a minha casa, ao ambiente aonde tudo me lembra a droga, aonde me recordo de momentos desesperadores que passei, cada cômodo me lembra alguma situação. 

Cada segundo, minuto, horas em que passo em casa são completamente como se eu tivesse em uma cena de filme de terror. 

Eu não superei meu vício e tenho a absoluta certeza de que nunca irei. 

Tenho de aceitar isso e usar de outros recursos para não cair em tentação novamente. 

Recente voltei e ainda não me acostumei, meu pensamento o dia todo menos quando estou escrevendo, ( às vezes ) é na droga, a fissura me corroí o corpo inteiro, mãos tremendo, boca seca, chego a suar frio. É um tormento dentro da minha cabeça , a vontade de ligar e pedir para que me tragam a droga briga com a idéia de que sei que não posso, não posso ter o que mais quero, existem momentos em que a vontade de largar tudo, todos meus projetos, trabalhos, casa, namorado, amigos e me acabar usando a droga até não me restar mais  nada chega a dominar minha mente de uma forma incontrolável. 

Eu realmente não sei se existe uma cura para isso, eu tentei por alguns meses e nada me ajudou, acredito que o que é mais importante para lutar contra esse vício que me domina por inteira é a força de vontade, força essa que me falta muitas vezes que chego a ponto de pensar em parar de tentar lutar contra. 

As pessoas podem pensar o que quiserem de mim por escrever sobre este assunto, isso não muda nada, sou viciada mesmo, não tenho vergonha de dizer e escrever é um ponto de fuga, um refúgio, assim como a droga era para mim. Aonde usava para escapar e anestesiar as dores dos meus traumas, de tudo o que vivi e que parece que não superei, mascarava tudo o que me fazia sentir mal , todas as decepções , problemas , tudo desaparecia quando estava em uso. Inocente, eu, mal sabia que estava criando um buraco negro sem fim. 

Não venci a cocaína , ela me venceu e vai sempre vencer, a não ser que eu continue tentando lutar contra, mas um dia a luta cansa… 

Karen Padilha

 

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Eu X Cocaína – Parte 2

Minha vida fora completamente tomada por uma força que até agora é maior do que todas as minhas forças unidas.

Eu sempre fui uma menina muito positiva e acreditava que sempre serias capaz de qualquer coisa, bem, eu fui, até agora… Uma coisa que era para fazer com que eu me divertisse as vezes tornou a ser um remédio para minhas dores, e quando fui perceber isso, já era tarde  demais.

Deixei de ser forte e me tornei submissa a uma vontade de querer enganar todas as minhas dores usando dessa coisa chamada cocaína. Em qualquer situação que estivesse sofrendo eu mascarava minhas dores, até então um dia em que estava à beira da morte e ouvi o conselho de dois amigos para buscar ajuda, feito isso, me internei em um clínica, na melhor do brasil, mas nunca acreditei que eu fosse ser curada, e não fui até hoje caminhando para meu 5 mês lá.

Uma menina guerreira que já passou por tudo nessa vida perdeu-se então para um vício incontrolável, que sufoca se não for saciado. A fissura toma conta de mim e fico cega. Não importa quantas medicações me dão, em quantos grupos terapêuticos participo, o quanto escuto que isso não é bom para mim e etc… Na minha cabeça só o que eu quero é me drogar. Isso porque mesmo com minha  vida virada de ponta cabeça eu não consigo não ter vontade de usar, eu quero usar para mascarar todas as minhas dores novamente, para ficar magra (pois sou obcecada por isso), quero para sentir o  que é a sensação novamente.

Mesmo tendo em mente tudo o que eu posso perder com isso, a minha vontade não muda. Costumava dizer que isso é o amor da minha vida pois  quando experimentei a primeira vez brinquei que foi amor a primeira vista. Tenho consciência das minhas perdas e dos meus ganhos , sendo as perdas maiores que os ganhos eu continuo querendo apenas uma coisa que não preciso falar novamente. 

Eu fui me viciando sozinha, ninguém me chamava para usar isso, pelo contrário, era eu quem chamava amigos para usar comigo, eu cegamente me enfiei neste buraco que me encontro, tendo chances de sair vitoriosa, mas sem vontade. 

Hoje não estou na clínica, pois iria viajar com meu namorado, infelizmente mais uma vez por não estar em sã consciência eu estraguei tudo. Posso dizer que tenho a melhor pessoa do mundo ao meu lado e que esta tentando me salvar todo esse tempo, e que eu por estar cega ou não sei o motivo não consigo demonstrar tudo o que ele significa em minha vida. 

Essa droga, que eu acho boa e não sei porque diabos acho  isso, esta devastando calmamente toda minha vida e tirando tudo o que é importante pra mim.  

No final, será só eu e você, e todos esses meses dentro desta clínica não valerá de nada. Só valeu para adiar o meu fim.

Não sejam fracos como eu, não esperem estar à beira de um precipício para saber o que é importante  de verdade.

Estou terminando meu livro que será lançado em fevereiro 2018 e nele será contada  toda a minha história e tudo o que espero com isso é inspirar pessoas a nunca desistir, mesmo que neste exato momento é o que eu tenho feito.

Karen Padilha

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My Addiction will or not ruin me? Coming from my book ” Éden: From the hell to the Paradise”

Well, what to say about me, it’s complicate  to speak out about ourselfs to the world, it’s became more complicate when you want to explain about you and your  whole  life until now  and what brings you here and doing what you are doing, and at the same time when you want to make a big thing witht all this, all these things that you have lived, learned by yourself, because there’s was no one for you, never was.

Firstly, i want to say i’m not here to be some kind of people that want to be a victim or poor, even when i really was for such a long time since i was born until my 18 years.

I’m just a girl who was really corrupted for life and the word and my entire family, they just rejected me when i for the first time i’ve opened my eyes for life, for this entire and wornderful world.

I didn’t knowed what was waiting for me, i’ve lived 18 years in the hell, i was born in the hell and just met the paradise when i for god and for all good energies in the world i abandoned my family and everyone who did something really bad to me, but i cannot complain for nothing that have happened with me, because i’m grateful for everything i’ve lived, learned, every puch , every difficult moment , i mean everything,  otherwise i was not me with all i have to share with the world, and i may haven’t my knowledge about life.

I want to people know that life, world and people can corrupt us in every single way, but we can choose to be corrupted or not, we can choose to be a good or a bad person, we can choose to forgive the people who did all bad thing to us, we can choose to live with love, because is with love that we are born, we are born with purity and kindness and we can choose to not let the life, world and people to take away it from us .

I want to be a girl who are a voice of love, force, compassion, learning, i want to share my story with the world and want to be a inspiration for people who have lived the same thing as me and didn’t knowed how to deal with, or to people who are dealing with some kind of same or similar situation as me, i want to help people to deal with situations with love, kindess, compassion and gratitude, because this four this are the four pillars to live a magnitude life.

No matter what we have lived, how difficult life sometimes was with us, we have always to live with a positive mind, spirit, soul with ourselfs and others, we have to love ourselfs and the next one, ” Love is the most powerful and still most unknown energy in the world” – Rhonda Bryne , we have always to choose love, and everything is going to be ok in the end, we have to believe ever that something wonderful is about to happen anytime, life is good even when they tried to corrupt us.

Secondly , finally, I’m Karen Padilha, 23 years, living in brazil, going through the most difficult phase of my life, as I said i was born in the hell since i have opened my eyes forthe first time until my 18 years old.

With 18 years old I became a model and started to living by myself, actually i’m dealing with my addiction with cocaíne, I’m in a rehabilitation clinic since 3 months ago, the best clinic in brazil, but i’m not going well, i was going since 2 days ago when i called my dealer and asked for cocaíne, yes, i fall, i couldn’t be more stronger than my fissure, desire, i lost 3 months, a lot of money, time for nothing, but i knowed that it would be happen the first time i put my feet here because i didn’t  have trusted in myself, and in this reabilitation, and everything else, i didn’t wanted to be healed. because  i lie cocaine so much that i didn’t wanted to be healed, but i’m not just this, it’s just a piasse that i’m going through.

I’ve created this blog because i always had this passion for writing and wanted to write my story and things that i think about life, universe, subjects i like, about everything,  10 months ago this passion became in my mind and became strong, so i started with this blog, i started writing things that was in my mind, things to encourage people, and i started also with a page on facebook and with on instagram, at first time a few peoples viewed, today is better, but is not enough yet, i’m still working  on it, i want to make this a big thing, a big blog, big page on facebook, a big instagram, i want to people to hear my voice, and i believe that will became reality,  and when we believe in our dreams, no matter what, they became true.

I want share my thoughts about our universe, about what is going to happen, what we are transforming our home. To share beautiful things, to share love, to show people that we can live in peace and without war, that we are the same and we deserve living in a place where we can be the same things without judgement.
Remember that : ”The most important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity its own reason for existing.” – Albert Einstein

Karen Padilha 
 
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My Addiction will or not ruin me? Coming from my book '' Éden: From the hell to the Paradise''

Well, what to say about me, it’s complicate  to speak out about ourselfs to the world, it’s became more complicate when you want to explain about you and your  whole  life until now  and what brings you here and doing what you are doing, and at the same time when you want to make a big thing witht all this, all these things that you have lived, learned by yourself, because there’s was no one for you, never was.

Firstly, i want to say i’m not here to be some kind of people that want to be a victim or poor, even when i really was for such a long time since i was born until my 18 years.

I’m just a girl who was really corrupted for life and the word and my entire family, they just rejected me when i for the first time i’ve opened my eyes for life, for this entire and wornderful world.

I didn’t knowed what was waiting for me, i’ve lived 18 years in the hell, i was born in the hell and just met the paradise when i for god and for all good energies in the world i abandoned my family and everyone who did something really bad to me, but i cannot complain for nothing that have happened with me, because i’m grateful for everything i’ve lived, learned, every puch , every difficult moment , i mean everything,  otherwise i was not me with all i have to share with the world, and i may haven’t my knowledge about life.

I want to people know that life, world and people can corrupt us in every single way, but we can choose to be corrupted or not, we can choose to be a good or a bad person, we can choose to forgive the people who did all bad thing to us, we can choose to live with love, because is with love that we are born, we are born with purity and kindness and we can choose to not let the life, world and people to take away it from us .

I want to be a girl who are a voice of love, force, compassion, learning, i want to share my story with the world and want to be a inspiration for people who have lived the same thing as me and didn’t knowed how to deal with, or to people who are dealing with some kind of same or similar situation as me, i want to help people to deal with situations with love, kindess, compassion and gratitude, because this four this are the four pillars to live a magnitude life.

No matter what we have lived, how difficult life sometimes was with us, we have always to live with a positive mind, spirit, soul with ourselfs and others, we have to love ourselfs and the next one, ” Love is the most powerful and still most unknown energy in the world” – Rhonda Bryne , we have always to choose love, and everything is going to be ok in the end, we have to believe ever that something wonderful is about to happen anytime, life is good even when they tried to corrupt us.

Secondly , finally, I’m Karen Padilha, 23 years, living in brazil, going through the most difficult phase of my life, as I said i was born in the hell since i have opened my eyes forthe first time until my 18 years old.

With 18 years old I became a model and started to living by myself, actually i’m dealing with my addiction with cocaíne, I’m in a rehabilitation clinic since 3 months ago, the best clinic in brazil, but i’m not going well, i was going since 2 days ago when i called my dealer and asked for cocaíne, yes, i fall, i couldn’t be more stronger than my fissure, desire, i lost 3 months, a lot of money, time for nothing, but i knowed that it would be happen the first time i put my feet here because i didn’t  have trusted in myself, and in this reabilitation, and everything else, i didn’t wanted to be healed. because  i lie cocaine so much that i didn’t wanted to be healed, but i’m not just this, it’s just a piasse that i’m going through.

I’ve created this blog because i always had this passion for writing and wanted to write my story and things that i think about life, universe, subjects i like, about everything,  10 months ago this passion became in my mind and became strong, so i started with this blog, i started writing things that was in my mind, things to encourage people, and i started also with a page on facebook and with on instagram, at first time a few peoples viewed, today is better, but is not enough yet, i’m still working  on it, i want to make this a big thing, a big blog, big page on facebook, a big instagram, i want to people to hear my voice, and i believe that will became reality,  and when we believe in our dreams, no matter what, they became true.

I want share my thoughts about our universe, about what is going to happen, what we are transforming our home. To share beautiful things, to share love, to show people that we can live in peace and without war, that we are the same and we deserve living in a place where we can be the same things without judgement.
Remember that : ”The most important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity its own reason for existing.” – Albert Einstein

Karen Padilha